It’s almost here. My dreaded return to work. I cannot begin to tell you the heartache I feel every time I think about it. I know I’m not the first mama to go through this, and I’m well aware that things will be fine and we will adjust. But the actual experience of going through it is extremely hard! I’ve been home almost nine whole months, from my initial pregnancy bed rest to the next six months of our baby boys’ lives. Seems just like yesterday when they first arrived. We’ve grown to know each other, we’ve learned more than enough about babies and parenthood (and still learning), and just overall have enjoyed the time together.
As I type this, the whole house is silent. The boys ate earlier around 6:30 and 7 am and shortly after when back down for a nap. I pumped at 5 am and my next session isn’t until 9. My cup of coffee is to my right, I just finished eating breakfast. As always, a million thoughts run through my head and yet all I want to do is enjoy the calm. My to-do list is endless, the house is still a mess… I should take a nap or do the dishes or prepare their next bottles or get myself freshened up for the day… Instead, I want to make a few notes to myself:
A year from now, five years, 10 years… I want to remember the incredible feeling it is to be a parent. I want my future self to know that throughout all the hard times, the blood, sweat, and tears, the crying babies, the diapers, the soothing, the rocking, the laughs, the smiles, the playing, the joy… We’ve had one of the most incredible experiences and blessings life could ever bring. Parenthood TRULY TRULY TRULY is the hardest job you’ll ever love. I look back at these past few months and it seriously is a blur. I didn’t know how I’d get past the sleepless nights, the feedings every 2-3 hours, the pumping every 2-3 hours, the fatigue, the frustration, the times I couldn’t believe the thought of giving up crossed my mind. Yet here we are, pushing through each day and looking back and being very proud of ourselves. I just seriously didn’t know what kind of a ride we were in for, now I just cannot believe life without our babies.
This morning, Jeremiah started talking in his crib around 5 am (I could hear on the monitor). He didn’t need to be soothed just yet, so I let him be and he continued to chat. I proceed to pump while I was already awake. Then he decided to full on scream. So I had to stop pumping and go tend to him. He calmed down a bit. I returned to pump, but not even a few minutes later, he screamed again. At that point, I took him out of his crib because I didn’t want him to wake Adrian (who sleeps through Jer’s sleeping, or at least is such a sweetheart and can go back to sleep after being waken up!), and nursed him in bed. He fell asleep nursing and just as I was about to put him back in his crib, I just held him close. I held him and breathed him all in. His hand laid on my chest and I just soaked in the entire moment. Snuggling in bed with this precious baby was so wonderful. Of course, he didn’t last forever though! He eventually woke up crying, so I had to get up and rock him a bit. I am worried about rocking them too much when they are about to enter daycare, but I finally realized that they will learn soon enough how to adapt to daycare so until then I will hold them as much as I can!!! Thanks to my Mommy Group, I have so many mamas telling me their experiences with the daycare transition. I am prepared for the tears and sadness in the beginning, but will be hopeful that the boys will be just fine.
Future Sharisse, remember:
– How strong you were being on strict pregnancy bed rest for three entire months: You had to literally walk into your office the following day of being told about bed rest and pack your stuff and leave. You had to give up your dreams of being pregnant in the summer (I know, who wants that?), walking around in those final months of pregnancy, continuing to exercise and run, have a baby shower or two, eat out at nice restaurants and go to the movies before babies arrived… You were so strong.
– How sweet and caring your hubby was: He stood by your side during each doctor appointment. He took on the house maintenance, the laundry, the dishes, the food. He always comforted you whenever you had a doubt in your mind, reassuring you that we would get through every down we experienced. He shared in your joy each time we got through a new hurdle and we experienced good news. He was your rock.
– How amazing your family was in supporting you: They provided food, they visited, they prayed for you. Your sister stuck around almost every day, helping you prepare food, get you refill of water after refill, and drive you to your beloved NST appointments – twice a week! Your family did so much to support you during a rough time. They were there, as they always were and will be.
– How precious your babies were from the day they were born and how amazing they are now. The minute you saw their heads full of hair and their eyes look up at you, you fell in love! They stole your heart and would forever keep it. How sweet, sweet, SWEET they were in the NICU. Fighting to get through each day. Pushing through the feeding tubes, the blood sugar checks, the meds… How strong Adrian was to avoid surgery for his dear heart. What a champ he was. How strong Jer was to head home first and pave the way into a new place. The first time you nursed them successfully, how incredible it felt to hear and see them doing something you so desperately could not wait to do. The way they would stop in the middle of a nursing session, look up with their beautiful brown eyes, and crack a smile or even a small laugh. How much they captivate your soul with just a touch of their small hands and feet. How soft and perfect their skin is and how much you want to breath them in all day long. They are TRUE LOVE!
– Lastly, that no matter what, even though you are their foundation and roots, you MUST MUST MUST teach them to spread their wings and fly. It is a long time from now, and yet I know that you will blink and wonder how you got to where you are now. That they will ALWAYS be your babies, but they will need to be independent one day and grow to be strong met who know how to take care of themselves and fight. It will be OK when they need to grow up because you were there for every moment in their life when they needed you the most. Right now, they need you for everything because they cannot feed themselves, bathe, change, or even speak for themselves. But all of those little things you do will not have been for nothing. Keep pushing on and staying strong for them!
OK! Enough with the sappy stuff and onto the cuteness overload!!! Hope you can handle it because I sure can’t!
Our boys had an AMAZING photoshoot this week – Thanks to Photography by Tammy Nguyen Le & Christy for capturing our beautiful baby boys! Here are some favorites…
See more here!